Funny you should ask after all the hair drama today. So glad I’m lice - free. That being said, I’m terribly sorry, but I cannot give away any of my hair. I hope your birthday is tight butthole and that I didn’t ruin anything for you.
Jillian dropped me a SOLID and drove me to the Urgent Hair Center this afternoon. She told Alice she had her period, which is huge since she can only use that excuse once a month, twice if she thinks Alice didn’t hear her the first time. I owe you one, Jilly-Bell, and I’ll keep that period-secret between you and me.
Turns out the “lice” was just sea salt and chip crumbs, which makes sense because Amir the mattress guy threw a bag of Salt and Vinegar chips at me when he found me sleeping in his store after kicking me out minutes before. So call Scooby and the Gang, that mystery’s solved.
Ders said “I don’t know what’s worse, that you thought you had lice, or that you couldn’t tell lice from salty chip crumbs.”
I say definitely lice, because with chip crumbs, I can still hitch a ride home.
My head is itching like crazy ever since I took a nap at the mattress store and I think I might have lice. I wouldn’t put it past Amir to intentionally soil the mattress he knew I liked, either, since it was pretty clear to both of us I wasn’t going to buy.
I had lice when I was a kid and my mom mad me take a shower outside with the hose and lice shampoo. It was really cold and also really demeaning.
Ders is so smug because he kept telling me that I was exposing myself to all kinds of germs by taking naps on those mattresses. Now, he won’t let me ride in the ‘Vo until I go to a dermatologist and get a note saying I’m lice free. Gonna have to find one within walking distance and sneak out without Alice noticing. This is not good at all.
Adding up old bills, trying to make some calls, got me all tugged out today.
Gonna take a quick 15, wander over to the mattress store and take a quick 30.
I’ll be back before anyone knows I’m gone, though, I’ve been doing this on the reg for the last 6 weeks. Amir at the mattress store is starting to get suspicious, but I gave him a soft-commit on buying a new twin bed by the end of the month.
Might be better than my mattress on the floor, but $100 is a lot to ask when I can get it for free on the sales floor.
I’ve always been a firm believer in the separation of church and state.
I always thought it was church and steak. I mean, you never eat steak in church, at least not where my parents took me to services. Checks out.
You might wanna confirm that one, Ders, less you look like a fool.
I know I said what my biggest fears were this morning, but I just remembered another one; a doll coming to life while I sleep and killing me.
It all starts with their dead eyes starting to move, and following me around a room.
Look at these things—>
If they turned in your direction, try telling me you wouldn’t piss your pants. No? You’re a fucking liar.
I can’t even keep dolls around the house anymore. I had a cool Cabbage Patch kid that Jillian gave me because we had the same hair, but after it moved overnight I had to give it away.
I figure it was either the demon coming to life and not being able to find and stab me in the new environment, or Ders moving it off his laptop, but I ain’t waiting around to find out. By night two, the thing could know where my room and the knives are and I’m not taking that chance.
So I tied a brick to it and threw it in the ocean. I hope it can find peace there.
Gonna play it cool and wait it out. I really like Bourdain, so I’m kind of torn. I do think it’s sort of funny and ironic that they have ‘beef’ with each other considering they are both chefs. In all seriousness, I will probably stop watching No Reservations if he keeps talking shit.
Here are my three biggest fears, ranked in order:
- Falling into a volcano
- Getting stung to death by bees (like Macaulay Culkin did in My Girl)
- Not falling in love
I think my biggest fear would be visiting a volcano and stumbling upon a beehive and then running away from the bees and falling into the volcano. I can only hope that never happens.
Ders, I know how you feel about people downloading music illegally, but can I please burn this from you?
Just got 2 hang ups, a non-committed maybe, and an old lady called me words I don’t want to reprint. I’m in my own head, and can’t get the words out to close the deal. It’s a thinking man’s game.
Guess it’s back to bottom of the sales rankings for me.
Don’t know what was in my cereal this morning, but this guy just made 2 sales in the last hour. Ders says he’s never seen anything like it, but I know he’s just being nice.
Alice must’ve heard some of the buzz, since she came by and told me I saved my job. I know it’s her management style to be dismissive, but it still felt good.
Gonna try for the hat trick, but don’t want to think about it too hard. Why start now, right? Maybe I have a future in this biz after all.
I want to go to Burning Man soooo badly. Karl goes every year and just raves about how awesome it is. I really think that this could be a life - changing experience for me. This festival has pretty much everything I love, such as:
- You don’t need money (Burning Man’s economy is a barter system)
- Art installations
- “Newcomers are invited to ring a bell and roll around in the dust.” - burningman.com
Sounds pretty cool to me.
I checked online and it’s sold out, but I might have Karl sneak me in there in his van. It’s going on until September 5th, so I can still make it, and believe you me, I’m going to do everything I can to get there.
Ders said no, and then the other shoe is I scratched the OC DVD leaving it in my pillowcase overnight, so my day is RUINED, right?
WRONG! I’m gonna do as they say and make 50 proof lemonade outta this lemon situation, lie in the pool, get some sun, and take some much-deserved ME TIME.
I’m gonna catch some rays, but I’ll catch YOU later.
Hey, Adam, the DVD you have (and have since scratched/ruined) contains extras only, just as Ders and I suspected you would do. You took the last disc of the case and thought it was the final episodes, right? So, yeah, who’s winning now?
I guess you think you’re winning after loud-narrating your way through mixing a pitcher of Sunny D and several vodka bottle orphans and getting on that float in the pool, but the joke is really on you. Ders and I are about to settle in for a nice OC mini-marathon, and we’ve locked all the doors and windows to the house.
So when you wake up from your booze-filled floating haze, my guess is while incredibly sunburned since I didn’t hear you narrate any sunblock application, remember who won this round.
And never make moves against the family again.